Yesterday I got an e-mail FW from a Republican friend of mine. Yes, I do have Republican friends. I even have a few Republican relatives. Normally they know better than to send me their political schlock, but the flesh is weak, and it’s sometimes tempting to do what is unwise. The only way I know to maintain cordial relations with Republicans is to never, ever, discuss politics. It doesn’t end well. But he was weak, and in a moment of weakness, I bothered to reply. Oh, it was the same nonsense we’ve been hearing, nothing new. Obama is taking away our rights, he hates Christians, etc. For eight years I was angry at my government, it is comforting to see the shoe on the other foot. The right wing is having conniptions. Obama is clever: even though he is Kenyan, he managed to place a birth announcement in the Honolulu newspaper. That was good planning. And he’s a sly one: all those years he went to a Christian church, even though he was secretly Muslim. Oh, he’s a cagey one, that Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Reverend Wright was a Muslim imam.
At this sacred time of year, I have a few thoughts on Christianity. I’m not referring to Easter or Passover, the first of April is a holy day in my book, and so, considering Christians are in the news, I have an idea. What with the Hutaree Christian militia, and the crimes of the Vatican, I think the time has come to employ the wisdom of the Bush administration. In Bushworld, if there are a few extremists, it means the whole lot is guilty. A few nutty Muslims attacked the World Trade Center, so we invaded two Muslim countries, one of which had nothing to do with the hijackers. It’s time for us to waterboard all Christians. What with the pedophiles and the militia, all Christians are guilty, and I’m sure they are conspiring. John Yoo told us that water torture isn’t torture, so there’s no problem with waterboarding people. Never mind that our government prosecuted Japanese soldiers who used water torture on us. When we do it, it’s OK. And didn’t Rummy say waterboarding was just a little dunking? Christians already baptize, is water torture so very different? Maybe we can use the baptismal fonts in churches and convert them to waterboarding facilities.
I confess, I have ties with the Presbyterian church, even though it’s a love/hate relationship. I will have to stop tithing, since churches are terrorist organizations, right? I prefer not to be waterboarded, but anything for my country. Probably, like a lot of people, I will end up confessing to all kinds of things, especially if I am waterboarded 150 times. I am no doubt guilty. The important thing to remember is that the Hutarees and Bishop Ratzinger aren’t just a few bad apples. If one is guilty, then all are. It’s the prime principle of Bush world. And at a time like this, we need W’s wisdom. Bishop Ratzinger has a lot to answer for, in my humble opinion. Maybe it’s not a good idea to keep promoting someone who was a member of a Hitler youth group. When our soldiers invade the Vatican, there may be some looting. There was when we invaded Iraq. But when the Iraq national museum was vandalized, and the history of Western civilization and the earliest forms of writing were lost, Rumsfeld said that when people are free, they sometimes do bad things. That Rummy. Such a way with words. Like when he told the soldier you go to war with the army you have, not the army you want.
I hope no one thinks this is an extreme reaction, to hold all Christians guilty for the crimes of a few. Rove told us that we are no longer living in the reality based world. If my suggestion to waterboard all Christians seems surreal, well, just go with the flow---- so to say. The Hutaree are dangerous, and that can only mean that all Christians are dangerous. There are criminal priests, so all clergy are criminal, right? As Rude Pundit suggests, if the child abuse scandal had occurred in the Muslim community, we would invade every single Muslim country and burn all the mosques in America.
There’s a poetic circularity in taking waterboarding back to the Vatican. They are the ones who perfected water torture for the Inquisition. Bush taught us that we don’t need trials: thankfully he dispensed with Habeas Corpus. Round’em up now, charge and try ‘em later. It’s a good thing we didn’t close Guantanamo. It won’t be large enough to hold all the guilty Christians, but we have a lot of prisons here. Maybe we can convert some of the tax payer funded ball parks to detention camps.
I deplore sarcasm and humor of any kind. I hope no one thinks I'm writing this in jest. This will be a good time for me to return to my Jewish roots. We know that Jews have never committed any crimes, and anyway, they’ve been punished enough.